I know that this blog isn't going to make much sense. I'm upset and frustrated and I rarely make sense in that frame of mind. I feel very helpless and and I just don't know what to do next or how to make things better. Evan is 5 now. He is a very smart boy. At heart he is sweet and loving and really enjoys doing things for other people. But he has a dark side. He goes from sweet to intensely angry in a matter of minutes. When something isn't going his way, he gets very upset. He will clench his teeth, ball up his hands and shake while he gives you a very intense look. Usually, he can come down off of that pretty quickly. Sometimes though, he is so angry that he lashes out and hits. There have been times when we have had to physically hold him, with him struggling against us all the while. These times are not usually frequent but have been happening a lot more in the past few weeks. He is a passionate child in general but the anger goes beyond that. He's always had a temper but since we had Owen, it seems to be getting worse. He has been cavalier with us and doesn't listen to pretty much anything we have to say. He has been downright disrespectful to me, my husband and my mother - his 3 main caregivers. Frankly, I am at a loss as to what to do. We have tried every form of punishment, discussion, reasoning, positive reinforcement, taking away of privileges, etc. I've done research on the internet. My next step is to talk to a counselor I guess. At this point, I feel like I am failing as a mother. I'm scared that there is something really wrong with him. I'm scared that Owen will learn these behaviors from Evan. I'm just scared and sad and frustrated. I miss my happy little boy.
 | oh wow. well I'm not a mom so I would have no advice. My mom always gave copies of Dare to Discipline, by Dr. James Dobson to her younger mothers she knew who were struggling. It sounds like you're probably aware of some of his methods (and I haven't read it so I don't know)
perhaps it is a phase ? ?
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now! ((hugs)) |
 | msowens1 wrote on Nov 8, '07, edited on Nov 8, '07 since I know you and actually talk to you - sometimes daily, I know what wonderful and loving parents you are, you are an awesome mom.... and I have no experience to draw from here, as my son was an easy raise, just so easy.... but I agree you may have to seek counceling before Evan's anger causes him to hurt someone at home or school or even himself... what ever it is - it is eating him up and that requires attention most of all.... and maybe you are so close to the situation, you can not see the answer and someone else can guide you to helping him.... will keep you in my prayers.... |
 | Only having known you a brief time, and only "knowing" you through this little portal at that, it's hard to say much about much (unfortunatley), but I can say that there's no shame in seeking help from a professional. They can often give insight that we are too close to see.
I myself see a doctor (pyschiatrist), and have been for years, it helps to sort things out and see things without emotion, form a logical plan of action, and then get there. (Hug) |
 | Hi, I saw your post through Jaime....I hope you don't mind me adding something. As parents it is always so hard to face that there is something not "perfect" about our children, conciously or subconsiously we go into denial. Feeling sad, scared and frustrated is all so normal as a parent, you sound like such a loving and concerned one too!!! You are not a failure unless you let your son continue on the path he is now on. Talk to your pediatrician, take the steps..........it is hard.....it hurts but in the end your son will be better for it. I do know what I'm talking about, my son was diagnosed as autistic in March after a lot of testing and denial on our parts. It's been a difficult journey but knowing how to help our children with life, how to make it easier for them even if it is more work for us is what loving them unconditionally is all about. He may not "get it" now but later he will thank you for loving him enough to say "enough."
My best to your sons and your family. |
 | I don't know if this will be of any value to you but Iwas having the behavoir out of my youngest son,Gabe. I had NO help with him.So one day at the Dr.s office our doctor suggested having Gabe tested for ADHD.I did and found Gabe to be off the charts, so to speak. well, he is on dailly meds. and the lowset grade he's made in school on any test or homework has been a 93. His behavoir is SO much better.I never thought I'd want my son on "drugs" but as a single dad, there are times I'm glad he is. |
 | It's extra hard in this case because Evan is SO smart, sweet, funny, articulate, thoughtful, loving.
I'm thinking maybe dr. first before you make any decisions on his caregiver. I love you. :* |
 | As the mom of a 12 year old son who has not been easy to raise I think parents really do know best. And if your heart of hearts is telling you that Evan needs counseling, then he probably does. It's nothing to be ashamed of and you certainly don't have to feel like a failure. My son is wonderful, but he has been difficult since conception - lol! It didn't take long for me to think of myself as a failure. Then we had our daughter. Same parents, same everything, just a different kid. I say that she came out of the womb perfect. God showed me that I was NOT a failure of a parent, it's just that every kid is different. Each child calls on different parts of us to use for parenting. It's not easy, but it is rewarding.
The counselor will probably be more helpful than anything. They'll also probably be able to pinpoint what's going on with Evan. As parents, we can be too close to the forest to see the trees sometimes. And other times we really have no clue what's going on and need outside help. Evan (and the whole family) will be so much better for the help you seek! |
 | you might try a type of play therapy when I used to go to MOPS. We had a speaker there that created this and I know moms who do it say it works. I can't remember his name but basically you once a wk for a hour play with the kid but the kid does all the leading/ Like if he chooses to use a bucket as a mailbox you let him and you play dumb like if he says what that you say I don't kknow what is that. You also keep a toybox filled with certain toys only allowed for this time. I think he recommended things like a doll,med kit etc. Any way this play thing is a way for kids especially ones who where only kids then a sib came along to have a voice and time with mommie or daddy and work out what ever is bothering them. It can be hard because you have to play dumb like you do nothing unless the kid tells you to like dress the doll then you would ask how etc. I wish I could remember the name of the program but it a very good programs. maybe try and google the subject. |
 | professional help would be an idea ... seems like you are getting more and more frustrated ... is ADD a possibility? ... it MAY just be that he's growing ... I am afraid it may get worse before it gets better - and that would be tough ... difficult situation for sure ... |
 | Tough call.
To some degree, it's normal - little boys naturally have an aggressive side, and instead of suppressing it, we need to help them find acceptable and appropriate ways to deal with it. Have you considered enrolling your son in Tae Kwon Do classes? Giving him a punching bag and telling him it's okay to beat up on THAT, but not on people and it's not okay to destroy nice things? Anger is a valid emotion, but what is he angry about? Is he jealous? Does he crave more attention? Do you give him some special one-on-one time that's his and his alone, on a regular basis? There are lots of things you can try, and nothing you've said here measures up to a friend's experience, years ago, of her four year old setting fire to the laundry basket and standing over her and her husband, while they slept, with a knife. (Last I heard, he was doing just fine on the right combination of meds. :) Really cute, sweet kid - definitely had "something wrong with him." But even that was treatable.)
There's a growing tendency to "diagnose" mood disorders and ADD/ADHD in younger and younger kids. While that's probably a good and valid thing with some of them, I think it's alarming in terms of sheer numbers. I wonder: Is there really something in the water or food supply, or are doctors and teachers and parents getting lazy - trying to turn normal childhood developmental phases into something pathological? I'd want a second or third opinion. Counseling might be helpful - a child psychologist could probably offer useful guidance.
Good luck. It's not easy being a parent, but it's worth it. :) |
 | Hi hope you dont mind me popping over and saying hi, i had a similar problem with my 3 year old, when i had my daughter 7 weeks ago, he would throw a huge wobbly and stuff if he didnt get what he wanted, my husband used to tell him off, punish him, make him sit on the stair till he calmed down.....none of which worked, the best thing i found was to walk away completely....i'd go upstairs and wait for him to finish his tantrum, a lot of it is just getting your attention, if you walk away and take no notice of them, they start to not do it so much, now he doenst do it as im just not bothered with him if he does...so he gets bored doing it,.xx |
 | Quality time is important. To get attention with a tantrum is his way of dealing with jealousy or sharing you. When he behaves like this, ask him: How long to you want to be angry? 10 Minutes, 50Minutes? Tell me when you are finished and when I have my Owen back to hug and kiss him. Then walk away just so far that you can see him in the corner of your eye. Try it. Children don't know time and they think that the time you mentioned is soooo long to PLAY angry. He hears that you are not angry and not responsive to his tantrum and that you prefer the lovely Owen. It is just a power game and it looks he is winning at the moment. IMPORTANT: your husband has to react and do the same as you. Neither you or him wants to be the baddie. You two have to be in sink. OK.
Do NOT medicate him. When children misbehave then it has to be ADD. RUBBISH!!! Medication will harm him more. Pay attention what he was eating an hour or a bit more before he had an anger attack. Perhaps he got edgy before and something triggered just the full wobbly. FOOD and all the MSG and some PRESERVATIVES have a big influence. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER because you care and love your children. Good luck. |
 | Just popped over from Jaime's blog, hope you don't mind. I have a 13 yr old son who has been diagnosed as ADHD and Bipolar. Lately the aggression has taken over and he can be so hard to deal with. I do not belive medication can harm kids. If they're wrongly diagnosed, THAT is what can harm. Medication has saved our family at times. Now with puberty coming into the mix, it's even harder to get these under control. My first advice would be to start with a psychiatrist instead of a general doc. Family docs' first answer will be meds, maybe that wouldn't be necessary for your child. It's not always the answer. The therapy may also help you realize that this is your son's issue, not anything you did wrong as a parent. Good luck! |
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