1. I want to blog but I can't find the words.
2. Depressed and down.
3. I know I'm in a low spot when I avoid calling or taking calls from friends.
4. This list of thoughts is my weak attempt of reaching out to my friends so that I'm not completely in darkness.
5. Isn't it funny how a person can have high blood pressure or high cholesterol and its no big deal but to struggle with depression makes you feel completely defective and inadequate?
6. Not sure I can formulate ten thoughts.
7. Ironically, while I'm in this very low place I'm in the process of talking to two other women about getting help for their depression.
8. I made princess Fiona cry today when I described what depression feels like.
9. It was good that she cried - she bought a puppy on a whim from a pet store the same weekend that she is getting rid of one of her cats because it annoys her! GGGRRRRR
10. Funny how bitching about someone else's issues makes me feel better!

Last night we got a visit from a police officer and it wasn't my brother. Apparently we have a new neighbor kitty korner behind us. She was doing work out in the yard - the corner that meets our fence corner - and she said Sadie barked at her the entire time she was out. We weren't home and the dogs have a dog door to come and go as they please. I was more than irritated at this news. I tried to contain my sarcasm when I told the officer what seemed obvious to me: Sadie is a dog. Dogs bark especially at strangers who are near their yard with tools. We've lived there with Sadie for nine years. The only new variable is the new neighbor. Now we have to lock them up every time we leave the house. Today one of them peed in the basement but at least the neighbor wasn't inconvenienced.

1. Today I am wearing beautiful emerald earrings that were a gift from an amazing person and the earrings make me feel pretty and girly.
2. Because my foot is still the size and color of an eggplant I can only wear a very plain and flat loafer which makes me feel short and dumpy.
3. We got our furniture on Saturday which is so beautiful and comfortable that it makes me feel relaxed and happy.
4. I ate two donuts today which made me feel sick and disappointed in myself.
5. My friend at work was "talked to" about her performance and I felt sorry for her.
6. I've been given even more responsibility at work and I feel useful and efficient.
7. I spent Saturday evening with my boys and my niece at my moms where it was sunny and I felt content and in love with summer.
8. I'm sitting alone in a diner writing my blog and I don't feel awkward or lonely with myself.
9. Evan's 6th bday is a week from today which makes me both proud and a little sad.
10. Owen spent his first night away from home which made me feel excited at the prospect of getting away with Randy sans kids!

1. I love jolly ranchers.
2. Exel spreadsheets are fun.
3. The best lunches are free lunches.
4. I had the most amazing pasta salad that had garlic and parm.
5. I went shopping yesterday and myself some new clothes for work.
6. I am writing a childrens book and my main character is based on my baby niece Charlotte.
7. I'm reading a new book that is even better because it came from a friend.
8. Kippy really knows how to seal up a package.
9. I want a new camera and a new computer.
10. We bought our 8 year old nephew 3 days at math camp for his bday and he is really excited about it (he is a jock too)!

December 28th to be exact.  That is the day that my sister, Lisa, was born.  Of course, because I am younger than she is, this story will be hearsay until we reach 1974 or the 80's which is when most of my memories start! 

Lisa is the first child born to our parents, Betty and Jimmy.  She came 4 years after they were married and was apparently such a handful that they didn't dare have another for 5 more years!  Just kidding.  Lisa was a quiet and docile child, full of sweetness and content to play on her own for hours.  She had a vivid imagination and even had several imaginary friends in her early years.  Her most famous friend was Limen.  Limen once ran out into the street and our dad's friend had to go out and save him before he was hit by a car.  Here she is at age two, sweet yes? This is probably one of the last pictures we have of her smiling as a child because she developed a sincere distaste for having her picture taken.  The rest of her childhood pictures - and young adult pictures - have this expression:   This is the famous  "Lisa pout".  She has it in almost every picture ever taken of her.  It's adorable and very French, I think.

My brother was born in 1969, but that is a story for another blog.  Then I came along in 1974.  My sister treated me like her baby doll.  She cared for me and as I got older she doted on me like crazy.  She dressed me up, told me I was beautiful and took zillions of pictures of me.  If I am at all a diva, it is so her fault!  She also taught me how to holler at cute guys aka foxes out the window of her Satellite for her as we cruised through the park.  She would spend countless hours playing Barbies for me - yes, for me, not with me.  I preferred watching her play out the scenes rather than participating.  It was like watching tv, I guess.  Besides her story lines were so much more exciting - teenage pregnancies, paraplegics (we lost John Travolta's legs) and they were all having affairs. We still get together sometimes and play with our Barbies even as adults. 

As I got older, Lisa and I hung out more and more.  She moved in with my dad at 17 and devoted the next several years to taking care of him.  She put her life on hold to be there with him all the time making sure to bring excitement to his life whenever possible via Red Wing games and great cooking, travel stories and cool videos.  She and I would stay up late at night giggling and talking and end up making a 3am run to Taco Bell while singing along to the radio at the top of our lungs.  

After our dad passed, Lisa met a wonderful man, Ron.  They fell in love - awww - and got married (by themselves, robbing me of my right to throw a party and wear a hot dress!).  They had a beautiful baby girl, Charlotte who is now 4 years old.  Lisa has made a beautiful life for herself.

When I was little, I always thought Lisa was so amazing...and I still do.  She was and is one of my very bestest friends, even more so because she is my sister.  Happy Birthday Big Sister!  I love you!

This week is the second phase of our renovations.  Our goal was to wrap it all up before Christmas but we just didn't have enough time sans children to get the bedroom and the living room clear.  Therefore today the living room and hallway are being refinished.  When we did the first bedroom, Randy got saddled with all of the labor.  He had to clear the room, pull up the carpet, move out the furniture and pull up the tack strips and staples.  He stayed up all night one night to complete the job and his hands and his back were a mess.  This time, I think he feared the same thing would happen.  Not so!  I headed straight to the house from work yesterday and changed into my grubby gear.  I was ready to get down and dirty and that I did.  Randy had already cleared out most of the room.  However the couch, the fish tank and the tv were all still in the room as well as most of the carpet. 

 

 

 I decided that I wanted to prepare the room so that Randy would only have to take care of the fish tank and the area beneath it.  To do this I had to move the couch.  There was the problem.  I am but one person.  It is a long and heavy couch.  The only exit for the couch is out the living room window.  In theory I could do it myself but I feared the couch would get stuck in the window and I would create a bigger dilemma and more work for Randy.  So what is a girl to do when she needs help?  Call her big brother.  My brother, Tim, came over to help me move the couch.  He had his doubts but simply put I was going to do it with or without him.  When he pulled up, I already had the window half off.  He helped me get it the rest of the way off and we heaved the couch out onto the front porch.  We ripped up the carpet and pushed it out the window too: and there it sat on my porch until the floor guys came this morning and moved it to the side of the house.

 

 

Once the carpet was up, the place was a mess.  There was a ton of dust and debris in the floor as well as hundreds of staples.  Bigger problem yet was the fact that Tim and I could not get the window back in.  What's a girl to do when she can't get a window back in?  Call her Father in Law.  Yep, my wonderful father in law came over at 10pm last night to replace the window.  Heart of gold, that man.  He and my brother wrestled with it briefly and finally got back in place.  Then they stood there and chatted for another hour while I was pulling up tack strips. This is the floor after the carpet was heaved onto the porch: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once the boys were done yakking and left me alone, it was time to get down to business.  The clock was ticking and I wanted to make some major progress before Randy got home from work.  I grabbed my handy dandy hammer:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got mean with those tack strips and staples.  I spent hours prying up the strips and using pliers to pull out the staples.  This morning I can barely use my swollen right hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Randy was pretty suprised when he got home and found that I had most of  the hard work already done.  He was still up until 6am moving the fish tank and getting the rest of the staples up out of the floor.  The floor guys felt sorry for him this morning and finished the last few staples for him because they were so impressed with our progress.  In the end, it was so worth the work.  Now we just have to paint - once we agree on a color - and get furniture - once we agree on a style!

Our Christmas shopping is nearly done.  Randy has been doing all the legwork this year and he seems to be having a great time doing it.  I have to admit, I do miss it a little bit but it is just as enjoyable for me to hear the excitement in Randy's voice when he tells me about his latest find as it is for me to find it myself.  All the kids in our family are going to have a great Christmas when it comes to receiving gifts.  I think we got Evan all the major things he has asked for and a few he didn't.  Randy had my gift in the back of the car yesterday and he was terrified I was going to see it.  He warned me several times not to look.  I didn't and I didn't want to.  I like the surprise that comes with opening a well thought out gift. 

Thinking about all the gift giving that will be happening in a few days made me think about gifts I have received in the past.  We never had much money growing up so I always made my list keeping in mind that Santa had to give gifts to all the children of the world.  I would ask for a few Barbies or a doll or games or colorforms.  I usually got the things I asked for.  However, there was one item I always wanted that I never got for Christmas: Simon.  It seems silly but I always wanted one.  The kids in the commercial looked like they were having so much fun trying to keep up with the lights!  Of course, I am no worse for the wear being deprived of a Simon.  But for some reason, it always pops into my head at Christmas. 

Am I alone in my childish longing for a Simon? Is there a gift you always wanted for Christmas but never received?

I know that this blog isn't going to make much sense.  I'm upset and frustrated and I rarely make sense in that frame of mind.  I feel very helpless and and I just don't know what to do next or how to make things better.

Evan is 5 now.  He is a very smart boy.  At heart he is sweet and loving and really enjoys doing things for other people.  But he has a dark side.  He goes from sweet to intensely angry in a matter of minutes.  When something isn't going his way, he gets very upset.  He will clench his teeth, ball up his hands and shake while he gives you a very intense look.  Usually, he can come down off of that pretty quickly.  Sometimes though, he is so angry that he lashes out and hits.  There have been times when we have had to physically hold him, with him struggling against us all the while.  These times are not usually frequent but have been happening a lot more in the past few weeks. He is a passionate child in general but the anger goes beyond that.  He's always had a temper but since we had Owen, it seems to be getting worse. He has been cavalier with us and doesn't listen to pretty much anything we have to say.  He has been downright disrespectful to me, my husband and my mother - his 3 main caregivers.  Frankly, I am at a loss as to what to do.  We have tried every form of punishment, discussion, reasoning, positive reinforcement, taking away of privileges, etc.  I've done research on the internet.  My next step is to talk to a counselor I guess.  At this point, I feel like I am failing as a mother.  I'm scared that there is something really wrong with him.  I'm scared that Owen will learn these behaviors from Evan.  I'm just scared and sad and frustrated.  I miss my happy little boy.

I'm sure that even posing this question in such a public forum must qualify me for a certain level of insanity.  But I can't help it.  I have to know.  I'm just gonna go ahead and put my crazy right out there for all the world to see and ridicule.

I'm writing this novel for NaNoWriMo.  The idea came to me so quickly.  The plot is developing and taking on a life of it's own.  Each characters personality, story and history is coming at me like someone opened a floodgate.  I don't even feel like I'm controlling this story anymore.  Am I nuts or has anyone else ever felt like their story was writing itself?

I remember when my brother first got a cell phone.  He was always sending text messages and it used to really irritate me.  I couldn't figure out for the life of me why anyone would want to sit and type something out using teeny tiny buttons and a million fingerstrokes when you could just pick up the phone and call the person.  When I got my phone, he started to text message me.  At first I would just call him to see what he wanted.  Then I started replying to his messages.  It wasn't long before I found myself texting more than I was calling.  It's quick, it avoids excessive chatter and prevents the need for a get off the phone excuse.  Text messaging became a useful tool for me strictly for utilitarian reasons with one exception, my husband.  Randy and I work opposite shifts.  I work days, he works afternoons.  This arrangement is great for childcare reasons but not so great for quality time, although some may argue that it insures a long and happy marriage!  He and I rarely get any time to spend together and even less time to have deep conversations while gazing into each others eyes.  Enter the text message.  I have a new found love and respect for text messaging because it has single handed-ly brought Randy and I closer together.  No matter where we are or what we are doing, we can stay in touch.  It's private, it's silent and can be oh so exciting.  We chat, we flirt, we declare our love.  We send messages saying we miss each other, we type sweet nothings, we type the not so sweet nothings and we keep the fires burning even when we can't see each other face to face.  After 18 years together, you might think we are past this sort of thing but text messaging has taken our relationship to a whole different level.  We say things to each other that might sound ridiculous in every day conversation, but when typed onto a tiny screen, it's pure romance.  No matter how my day is going, when I hear that little alert chiming, my heart skips a beat and I smile before I even read the message.  Sometimes it's a romantic something, sometimes he just needs to know where the baby's shoes are but he's there...with me...all day.  Sometimes he will even send me a picture...but that's a whole different blog!

I imported my blogs finally and it's starting to look like home again.  I'd been putting it off.  Maybe it was denial.  Maybe it was my general tendency toward procrastination.  But at the encouragement of one of my closest girlfriends, I went ahead and clicked that little import icon and lo and behold it was actually easy.  It actually worked.  What a concept and frankly a foreign one to this 360 refugee!  I really like Multiply so far although I have been struggling a bit to figure out how to make it my own.  I like the way I can connect to so many different people and enjoy so many great blags.  I've made some wonderful friends on 360 and I've already made some new friends here on Multiply.  I'm really looking forward to exploring my dreams of being a writer as well as having friends to give me feedback and support when I feel like I'm the meanest mom in the world.  So, for my first actual blog composed on Multiply I would like to extend a warm welcome to this awesome community to come by, pull up a chair or cop a squat somewhere- we're real casual here on my page - and say hello.